Day 33: Damn

Day 33: Damn
I love my mom. I really do. But it seems like every time we make a little headway into having an adult/adult relationship, something happens. She came home from Atlanta this past weekend and the crazy thing was that I actually kinda missed her when she was gone. She volunteered to help me prepare for my unit plan this coming week, and I was actually pretty excited. So I run upstairs and throw on some clothes. Just so happens that I can now wear a pair of pants that I haven't been able to for like, 3 years. I come back downstairs and she immediately says "wow! You can really tell you've lost weight girl!" This makes me insanely happy. But she continues by saying "I mean, it's nice to see you're finally losing your stomach. That was so gross. I feel so bad for people who have fat, lumpy stomachs. You can tell they're just miserable". I mumble something about not eating like I used to and just bite my lip. And the worse part is that she just doesn't seem to get it. For years, she fed into my cycle of being overweight with comments like these. For whatever reason, whenever she or my dad would say something hurtful, I would think "I'll show them....I'll just get fatter!" And then I actually did. Jokes on me, right. I feel so trapped in this house somedays. I keep trying to make them proud...but for what? Not to mention they keep reminding me that soon I'll be on my own...but they don't have confidence that I'll make it. They actually have a bet (according to my mom) that I'll fail before Christmas next year and move back home. My mom thinks it'll be sooner. I guess it just further proves my point that you have to be careful who you tell your hopes and dreams to.

I know living on my own is going to be hard. I've never 100% supported myself (pathetic I know). And I could fail...I could fall flat on my face. But I won't. I'm not moving to get away from something...I'm moving to reach something. If I can make it on my own I can do anything. I've come so far...this is just the last piece of the puzzle for me. Truthfully, I think it's further confirmation as to why I've been single for so long....I have to be on my own and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. In all fairness, this is kinda of a bummer from time to time. But for now, I am happy to be focusing on myself. It's time someone did.

I wish my trainer and I could work out together more. I'm holding firm that soon our schedules will "mesh" a little better and he can work out with me again. He's an awesome motivator, and I kinda miss it. But I'm uber proud of myself for forging ahead instead of just sitting around, wishing. Little by little, it's coming off. Just think...this time next year I'll be 100 pounds lighter and teaching. Gives me goosebumps. This coming week will be interesting. I hope I do everything okay. It's going to be a lot different, teaching 6th graders. Not to mention I'll have to tutor everday after that. But good news = I'm almost done. I have two classes to take this summer (if apsu will EVER let me register online) and then I'll have to student teach. It's thrilling to be this close. So close I can reach out and touch my dreams.