Day 65: Where do I go from here?

I've been attempting to take a look at my "situation" and analyze it in a productive manner. It's one thing to learn, but it's another to grow. Honestly, I'm not sure where this all leads me. I know that God has a plan for me...that I may prosper. So I'm confident that it'll all work out. But in the meantime, there are some things I need to work on.

Pressure. It's an ugly thing. It can sometimes sneak up on you, too. I think what it boils down to, for me, is learning to let go. Not in a "if it's meant to be it'll come back to you" kind of way. But in a "I have no idea what's going to come of this" kind of way. I think what happens is I begin to panic, a bit. I can see where it can be taken out of context and applied to a situation, giving someone the impression that I'm well, crazy. And I'm not crazy...or manipulative....or even someone who pressures others. I'm sad. There's a big difference. There are a few people in my life who understand what this means. There are a few who take it and run with it and even shove it back in my face when it's all said and done. The golden rule applies here as well: Treat others as you would like to be treated. So that's what I did. Which was a mistake, on my part. Troy calls it "emptying the glass". I think I emptied it, smashed it and then tried to glue it back together! I can say that I felt picked on.....like I was being kicked while I was down. It takes a lot for me to reach out, believe it or not. And I did....only to be hurt, worse. But then again, if it got me thinking..........

Carlton says I should just forget it.....move on, start over. He's grown a thick skin over the years and I know that it developed through a lot of hurt, which I can relate to. He keeps telling me that I shouldn't care....that I should pull back. But if I did that, I think I would be compromising who I am. I am an open book....I think I am this way so that others will be more comfortable with opening up to me. I dunno. I've been this way forever, it seems. I've been told it adds to my charm. But it's also been a way to drive a wedge between myself and others. Truthfully, it is my wall. People do feel comfortable around me, but for whatever reason, when I "empty the glass", it pushes people away. This isn't making any sense, even in my head. Funny thing: I can't even defend myself or tell the truth at times like this because I'm afraid there will be a backlash.

I've learned to take criticism over the years. Had to, when I was Panhellenic president. But no one wants to hear about their flaws when they're already sad. Period. If anything, I needed to be uplifted.

This has become a burden, not a release. Maybe I need to go to the source. Maybe I should just walk away. Maybe I shouldn't care..........oh and the irony? The last time I felt this way was in December....during my finals week. Ha. That's interesting. I didn't even realize that. That puts a whole new spin on things, actually. Maybe this isn't as deep as I thought it was. Maybe it's a way to get me to not focus on what I need to be focusing on. Maybe this was the conclusion I needed to face all along....that this is a distraction. Well. Interesting. I guess on that note, I'll close my laptop and go study. I'll be darned if all this affects my future.