A long journey

I wanted to start my postings from the beginning. From the other site. That's what Robert did, and well, what he does is generally pretty cool.

But the funny thing is, those posts just aren't for me, they're for others. I hold back. Big time.

I'm sure it has something to do with my insecurities. I never feel good enough. Well, today I don't feel good enough.

I don't understand why, when I get sad, it freaks people out. I don't understand why I can't just have a bad day. And it be left at that. I will forever hold myself back, if this is the case.

I don't understand why men terrify me. Why, after meeting ANY GUY who is remotely interesting, I become overbearing and stalker-like. I wish I could blame HG...I wish I could lash out and be pissed. But he was right. Where the hell does that leave me? How do I change someone's first impression? I can't go back in time....instead, I have to only go forward.

I think it may be best if I just walk away.

What sucks is I know this isn't me....I'm not crazy. I'm actually pretty freaking cool. I think I'm subconsciously putting up a wall. It began with Troy and I haven't been able to shake it. How can someone look you in the eye and say, you're amazing...I miss your presence and then turn right around and say, I don't want to be physical. Fine. Then let's not be physical. But don't drop me all together.

Perhaps that is a blog for another day.

I'm always going to be broken, I'm afraid. Always going to be guarded.

-sin[claire]