Day 101: I'm human

I called Jason last night. It's been a week and a half since we talked. Within that week and a half, I prayed and thought about the situation. I was able to let any anger I had go once and for all...but there was still lingering hurt. I knew he was out of town for the Memorial Day weekend and did not want to bother him...I know Jason and I know that when he's having fun, he doesn't want to be bothered. SO OUT OF RESPECT I DIDN'T CALL.

When I called last night, everything started just fine. We talked for a few minutes and then I said that I didn't want things to be awkward between us. I told him that there was lingering hurt. But I also told him that I didn't know what to do or what he wanted to do. He said that he felt that friends talk and work stuff out and anything I needed to say, I needed to say but only if that was going to resolve the situation. If I was going to lay blame, then I shouldn't say anything at all. Lay blame....HE'S THE ONE THAT FORGOT ME. That's not blame, THAT'S THE FACTS. LAYING BLAME IS SAYING STUFF LIKE "how dare you" or "you never cared and were never coming...you lied". But I digress.

I told him exactly how I felt. I was calm, at first. I cried a little, but only because I was frustrated. I didn't want to continue being hurt. I genuinely miss and love Jason. I even said that a few times. Next thing I know, he begins to twist it...saying that I had no idea what he went through....he even told me that he hadn't been in just Miami...that he'd also been in Tennessee TWICE and Jacksonville. Then he said "with all you know about forgiveness, you've still been holding onto this". ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ALL I KNOW ABOUT FORGIVENESS I LEARNED AT A CHURCH THAT ALSO TEACHES HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CASTS THE FIRST STONE. I can understand him saying this if I was raising my voice and getting highly upset...that's NOT what I did. I was honest and I was calm. And I DID FORGIVE HIM. I did not want to call him with anger still on my heart.

I am shocked that yet again, things are twisted to make it seem that Blaire's in the wrong. Always happens. It's like if someone challenges him, he turns it around. Actions speak louder than words. ACTIONS. The conversation ended with his phone dying, I assume. Because if I find out he hung up on me, I'll sin away my baptism and kick his ass quick.

Let me be perfectly clear about something: I had a RIGHT TO BE HURT. I did NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. Which is why I dealt with that emotion first. I swear. I'm so beyond confused and upset I don't even know what to call it. Please someone explain to me how I WAS WRONG. HOW MY CHARACTER AS A CHRISTIAN DESERVED TO BE QUESTIONED.

What a way to end a night.

I want our friendship to be the way it was. We had been supporting one another and everything was peachy. That's what I want. I want my friend back.