Day 81.5: The hardest thing

I think I could live to be 150 and never understand why love is so hard for some people, yet so easy for others. I always just assumed that one day, I'd fall in love....it would be no big deal. Yet, as time marches on, I realize more and more that love is probably something that not only takes time but muchos patience as well. For some strange reason, I feel more and more that love may not happen for me. With this comes some sense of peace...of understanding. I may never stand before God, my friends and family and proclaim my love for one special person. Just because I want something, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen.

I attended a beautiful wedding today....next weekend, I'll attend a beautiful reception for one of my sorority sisters....in June, another sorority sister's wedding...in August, my cousin Beth's. Perhaps this is my future after all...to merely be in attendance. The only thing I wish is that I knew for certain, either way. If I'm not meant to be married, cool.....I can live my life, finding fulfillment in other things. If I am meant to be married, cool.....then maybe I can stop all the wondering and rest a bit. Either way, it again all comes down to closure. I don't want to be one of those people who wonders what if all the time or lives as if the grass is always greener. I want to be 100% happy with my situation, 100% of the time. I think, though, that this may be too much to ask.

I want to wear a hot pink wrap dress to Beth's wedding...but her bridesmaids dresses are burgundy (I know....summer wedding should not equal burgundy as one of your color choices). I'm looking at the dress, deciding what size to order when my mom says "they'll want a family photo...your dress won't match". To which I reply, "no one at a wedding wants their aunt, uncle and cousins whom they talk to about once a year in their family photo". She got really quiet, then she started to tear up. I quickly apologized, but to no avail.....she went off the handle, yelling that I"m always "so damn negative".

I'm still getting the pink dress. Pink is my color.