Day 73: Lock the doors from the inside

This will be, by far, the hardest entry I've written to date. Throughout this experience, several people have said how impressed they were with my honesty, which I appreciated. It's difficult to be so open, to not only yourself but for those closest to you. Which is why this entry will be so difficult. I know it seems weird that, after 72 days its hard for me to be honest, but it is. I anticipate that once I click post, I will lose several friends/acquaintances. I feel that when I log back in, whenever that will be, I will have less friends. Really, at this point, I understand and accept that. So just know there are no hard feelings on my end.

I'm depressed. And in not just the "gee whiz, today is so crappy way".....it's deeper than that. It's been building for the last few weeks. Today I woke up at 4 pm. I haven't eaten since 2 pm yesterday...and when I even think about eating, it makes me feel sick. These are the classic triggers for me....loss of appetite and sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day. I'm so weak, it's hard to type. I can't think straight. I took a shower and didn't have the energy to wash my hair more than once....nor could I dry it. Right now, I feel hopeless. I'm incredibly sad and really can't look forward to what's coming next. I haven't felt this way since February 2006...there have been spurts when I felt a little down but nothing like this. I am so exhausted, spirituality, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don't know what to do from here, except sleep. When I'm asleep, at least I don't have to be sad anymore...or cry....or think. I can't really find my way out of all of this.....

I'm writing this because I feel that if I didn't, I would be lying. I wouldn't be writing what's really on my mind. I'm not looking for sympathy or understanding. I know this is very far out in left field for many people. I just wanted and needed to get it all off of my chest.